“Don’t touch me, I’m a Religious Object”. “Simon, King of the Witches” is a 1971 witchsploitation film put out by Hollywood in an attempt to cash in on the New Age fad of the time. The title character Simon is like that one guy everyone in the occult Community has met at some point, the one who takes himself way too seriously and who goes on and on about his amazing powers but somehow he can’t even afford a low rent studio apartment. You would think having access to Godlike power would enable a person to at least get a steady gig working at Burger King but apparently not.
At the beginning of the movie Simon is arrested for vagrancy and while in lockup he makes the acquaintance of a young Hustler named Hercules. Simon uses magick to bind Hercules to his will and the 2 head off on a series of what can only be properly called magical Shenanigans. At one point a rather dippy young woman falls in love with Simon, although as far as I can tell the only reason this relationship is in the film is because the filmmakers didn’t want the audience to think Hercules and Simon were gay for each other.
As The Story Goes on the men get involved with dangerous drug dealers and end up in the middle of a government conspiracy. Eventually Simon and Hercules part ways. Simon gives in to his darkest inclinations by sacrificing a man to the ancient god Moloch in exchange for greater power. Karma catches up with Simon and at the end of the film he dies violently.
This was a very strange movie, I found myself laughing at it throughout but I couldn’t figure out if the filmmakers had tried to make a serious movie and failed spectacularly or if the film was meant to be cheesy and Goofy on purpose.
Overall the portrayal of Witchcraft was pretty accurate, it’s clear the filmmakers at least did their homework, although there is one scene with a bunch of wiccans that was unlike any Gathering I’ve ever been to. If you want to put on a movie for your next coven meeting this will work so long as you have a few gallons of Hard Cider on hand.- Zwahk (Image from Unsplash.com)